Loophole #8 - Do you fall into this category when trying to form a new habit?

When we’re trying to form and keep habits, we often search, sometimes unconsciously, for loopholes. We look for justifications that will excuse us from keeping this particular habit in this particular situation. However, if we recognize this behavior and catch ourselves in the act of loophole-seeking, we can avoid using the loophole, and improve our chances of keeping the habit.

There are many kinds of loopholes. Ten kinds, in fact. So every few days we will be posting about a category of loophole, to help with the Strategy of Loophole-Spotting.

Loophole Category #8: the Concern for Others Loophole.

We often use the loophole of telling ourselves that we’re acting out of consideration for others and making generous, unselfish decisions. Or, more strategically, we decide we must do something in order to fit in to a social situation. Maybe we do — and maybe we don’t.

·         It will hurt my girlfriend’s feelings if I get up early to write.

·         I’m not buying this junk food for me, I have to keep it around for others.

·         So many people need me, there’s no time to focus on my own health. 

·         It would be so rude to go to a friend’s birthday party and not eat a piece of birthday cake.

·         I don’t want to seem holier-than-thou.

·         Changing my schedule would inconvenience other people. 

·         Other people’s feelings will be hurt if I don’t partake.

·         I can’t ask my partner to stay with the kids while I go to class.

·         At a business dinner, if everyone is drinking, it would seem weird if I didn’t drink. (Somewhat to my surprise, this loophole comes up a lot with drinking. Teenagers aren’t the only ones to feel peer pressure to drink, it seems.)

For some people, this loophole is a major challenge. Relationships are a key to happiness, and if a particular habit makes you feel very awkward about being out of sync in a social situation, or you worry that you’re hurting other people’s feelings or making them feel uncomfortable, this is a real factor in the formation of a habit.

By identifying the loophole, you can identify possible solutions. “Everyone else is drinking, so I’ll order a sparkling water, and no one will know what’s in my glass.” “Everyone else is ordering a drink, so I’ll order a glass of wine, but I won’t drink it, I’ll just leave it on the table.” “My grandmother gets upset if I don’t take seconds, so I’ll take a very small portion the first time, so she sees me go back for more.” “I’ll talk to my partner about whether this new habit is actually inconvenient, and if so, how we can work out a schedule that works for both of us.”

Side note: when you’re forming a new habit that feels awkward to others, give them time to adjust. Any change feels awkward at first. But if you keep starting and stopping, no one gets used to a new pattern. For instance, a friend wanted to go for a run on weekend mornings, but her family complained that she wasn’t around to get the day started — so she immediately stopped. She started again, and stuck to it, and after the first few weekends went by, everyone got used to starting the day on their own.

Reference: “Which of These 10 Categories of Loopholes Do You Invoke?” by Gretchen Rubin, February 5, 2014.